Adoption Sucks

I did something recently that I feel now was a foolish mistake on my part.  I signed up with another confidential intermediary.  I really feel bad for the confidential intermediary.  She was so excited and enthusiastic about my search.  As I stuck my throat yet again, it was slashed viciously by the two people who created me.  Right now I am doing everything to stop the bleeding because I do not want to do this again.  I don't want to spend years being depressed over this mess.  It is just not worth it.

Back in 2006, I hired the agency CI to do my search.  I was starting a new job when I began this rollercoaster styled roadtrip.  This is what the birthmother said:

She has been raised by another family all of her life.I always wondered if I would get a call like this some day.I have a family and they don't know.Its not a lack of concern. What I did was the best thing I could do.There's no reason to tear my family apart. I don't think its selfish of me.I have to think about my family.My husband knows but my kids don't. But we have never talked about it over the years.I just don't think its a good idea. She's old enough now and mature enough to deal with this. She has her own family. She has a good family.As much as my curiosity is peaked, this would be too disruptive. I don't want to have to tell my kids.This girl already has parents.My youngest son is an athlete and a medical student. He was a valedictorian. Both my boys are extremely intelligent.I'm glad she is doing well. I think I did the right thing.I always wonder, I always think about her. It is not a lack of concern. But i have to balance that with concern for my kids and how this would affect them. My husband would have a fit.She has a family. Biology is just an accident. I don't think this is a good idea.I guess I could talk to my husband about this. No, I'm not doing this. I am not going to open all of this up.MEDICAL:Her dad died at age 82 from pneumonia.Her mom is still alive but suffers from kidney failure as a result of her arthritis medicine. She also has high blood pressure.Birthmother has high cholesterol and takes meds for it. She began taking the meds in 1999.Her sibs and her children are all in good health.

HER CALL BACK TO THE AGENCY:

Birthmom called again. She said:How confidential is all of this. Is she going to come knocking on my door?This is just too painful. This was 40 years ago, excuse me!Its too late. I thought about getting her letter but it is just too painful.It was painful to begin with. It took me 3-4 years to get my life straightened back out. It was not a fun experience. I don't want to revisit it.I'm sad in a way. I am not being calloused.It would be too difficult to bring her into my life. It would be too painful to my family. They might accept it but why even go through all of that?It would bring a lot of grief.I never heard from the father ever again. He never paid any of my expenses. He took advantage of me and then walked away. I was a big fool. I know he wanted to raise the baby but that would have never worked out. He lived in the same town as my parents. I think he is probably dead. I tried looking for him once and couldn't find him. He must be dead.My parents were always concerned with their public image, not their private one.My dad was a terrible man. He was selfish and evil and did things I can't even talk about. My husband doesn't even want our sons to know what he did. He was physically abusive and other things.My mom was a mouse around my dad. My mom believed every word he said and he never had anything good to say about any of us.I have only been able to put all of that behind me since my dad died and now this has dredged all of this new stuff up.I do her housework, yard work, and get her to the doctors. We have to go to the cemetery 6 times a year. I choke on it, but I go. She lives alone. My brothers want her to be able to stay out of a nursing home as long as possible.I'm deciding I am not going to do this and I won't change my mind. Curiosity is not good enough reason to tear my family apart. What would be the point of me getting that letter except to make me cry.I did the right thing. I couldn't take care of a baby and my folks would not help me.I can't think of any more medical information for her. There are no genetic disorders. My mom has osteoporosis, but I don't. But, I exercise and eat right to stay healthy. I am allergic to cats and seafood.Tell her I am sorry. I am glad she's fine but I can't do this.I should hang up, I'm rambling.My biggest concern right now is can I keep this out of my life. How can I be sure she won't hire a private investigator and show up some day. I don't want to tell the boys. I know they are her half brothers but I am not going to tell them. I haven't told my husband that you called. I am not going to. I don't need to turn their lives upside down. I could give them a choice but they don't need to have this choice. They don't need to know every mistake their mother has made. They think I am this good person.I just wanted to make sure that this would stay private. I don't want to have to sit my husband down and say this girl has found me.It is a comfort to know she is okay.There wasn't anything else I could do. My parents kicked all of us out of the house at one time or another. I was on a real downer back then. I don't know what I was thinking. I dropped out of college.I have a lot of baggage and I don't want to deal with it. My dad did horrible things. That I can't talk about. I don't want to dredge this all up. Since dad has been dead I have shut the door on it. I have been a nervous wreck since you called me.

Inside the Adoptee Blogsphere

Two situations are making the rounds on various blogs.  Both are enough to drive me insane because they diminish both the adoptee and the mother. 

Recently the JCICS presented a conference on adoption issues.  Fellow adoptee bloggers, Land of Gazillion Adoptees, attended this conference.  One of the worse offenders was Nancy Fox.  She grabbed the adoptee blogger by the chin and proceeded to preach to him about the new Korean adoption legislation affecting her supply of children from that country.  She says it will be to the detriment of children.  I can not say with any confidence that if she grabbed my chin like that I wouldn't respond with a fist in her face.  That is simple assault plan and simple. 

Of course Ms Fox is an owner/CEO of an adoption agency, AIAA.  Her agency placed Jennifer Haynes with an pedophile.  Her adopters and the agency did not complete her paperwork.  She was deported back to India as a result.  Ironically Ms. Fox blames all adopters for not following through with paperwork for their child.  Interestingly, this woman is on the board of the JCICS which makes one wonder about this organization and the level of corruption.

The second situation is Dan Rather's report, Abducted or Adopted.  I was not able to watch it since it is not part of my cable package.  From what I have read of reviews, he did touch the tip of the iceberg of what happened during the Baby Scoop Era.  Of course there was a reunion on the show.  Why is it that our media can't present a news article on adoption without a reunion?  Why can't we present an article based on the facts of adoption and what it has done to adoptees and their families?  Why does it always have to have a positive spin on it?  The negatives in adoption need to come forth.  The rest of society needs to see what it is like for an adoptee and his/her family in this country to search.  The rest of society needs to realize this.

The sick part of the reports are the claims that adoption is still good and those practices don't happen any more.  Yea right!  The report did not encompass all of the agencies that still to this day force men and women to relinquish their children.  The LDS Adoption Agencies are one such example.

Catholic Charities gave this letter of rebuttal.  They don't want to lose their product and their producers. How do you know that these natural mothers would not have loved their children if given the appropriate support and resources to succeed in their parenting.

“We must not lose track of the tens of thousands of adoptive parents who will be forever grateful to birth parents for the sacrifices they make to ensure that their children’s lives will be filled with the love and opportunity they may otherwise not have received.”

The Crittendon Homes are now blaming individual maternity homes instead of taking responsibility of the actions done in their names.

TNCF and the Crittenton agencies that are still in operation today are aware of, saddened by, and regret the experience of mothers “forced or coerced” into placing their children in adoptive homes and the impact on their children many of whom continue to search for their birth parents. These practices were not required, supported or endorsed by any National Crittenton directive and as independent agencies or homeseach had the ability to determine its own priorities and operating policies.

The Salvation Army's rebuttal blames the mother's families.  Yes they do play a role but the Salvation Army enforced these coercive adoptions.

These homes were operational during a time when significant social pressures were placed upon pregnant, unmarried girls, and a majority of the young girls came to the homes after being guided by their own families.

Even the National Association of Social Workers commented too.  All of these groups are protecting themselves and blaming everyone else but themselves.  It bugs me that no one wants to take responsibility of these coercive and forceful tactics.  All of these organizations state that this doesn't happen.  One just has to read the NCFA website to see that yes it still does.  This organization states in order for a woman to be redeemed that she must relinquish her child.  They in turn back stab her when she wants to parent.  They call her a slut, whore and other nasty words in order to get her to disappear.  The agencies involved are often relentless in their pursuit of the "product."  

This is why I hate even venturing into adoption reform again.  Nothing ever changes. 

Anti-adoption and Anti-abortion

Why am I against both of these hot topics?  I believe both treat adoptees and their families as disposable.  Adoptees are the product in a massively unregulated industry.  Mothers and fathers are the producers.  They are treated worse than livestock.  In the livestock industry, there are those who protect their rights.  No one protects the rights of mothers and fathers.  The adoptive parents pay huge amounts of money without being properly educated on the perils of adoption which affect their adoptees in the long run.

Abortion has many of the same elements.  I don't believe there is near the marketing level of adoption with abortion.  It dehumanizes adoptees.  With the laws being enacted, women are treated as ignorant and incapable of deciding for themselves.

I would not actively fight against both of these situations.  There are very human situations that laws can't even begin to imagine.  We are changing laws that are life altering and damaging to women.  Women are losing their reproductive organs and their health in the process.

We forget the humanity in these situations.  There is no compassion for any of these men and women.  I have been to Groom, Texas.  All of the statutes around the cross are awesome.  It truly portrays Christ's experience.  There is a side statute that is dedicated to the children lost to abortion.  My initial response to it was that the mothers and fathers of those children are forgotten.  For me, it was revolting that they are forgotten.  They are not given compassion, forgiveness, and support.  It is the same for the natural mothers of adoption.  Adoption dehumanizes these women and makes them into producers of product.  It does not redeem them at all. 

On a basic level as a woman, adoption and abortion are two of the most difficult decisions a woman has to make.  Both deny her motherhood.  At least with abortion, a woman knows that her child is with God.  Adoption is often a crap shoot.  The lack of knowledge about her child is very devastating.  I remember one line from an old friend, "If adoption is so great, which child are you willing to relinquish?"  Most people would say none.

These are my views on these subjects as woman and a mother.  

A New Beginning

I was once known as Amyadoptee.   You could find me anywhere on adoption related.  That was four years ago.  A great deal has changed since then but much has stayed the same. 

I am still an adoptee/adoption reform activist.  I am anti adoption and anti abortion.  That is a blog post unto itself.  It will be explained further.  I support the Adoptee Rights Demonstration, Bastard Nation, and The Green Ribbon Campaign.  I support SMAAC, CUB, and Origins (they have groups everywhere).  I also support PEAR.  These groups all believe in the same philosophies as I do.  Again this is coming in a subsequent blog post which will be posted for all to read.

I became unwittingly a non custodial mother. I have two precious daughters. I am divorced and now living with a wonderful man, forever known as Amy's Super Cable Dude, Teen Angel, and Wild Angel.  I am acting stepmom to Amarillo Angel, Heavenly Angel, and Military Dude.  I am acting step grandmother to three other precious angels.  This situation is also a blog post unto itself.  Amy's Ex, the Not So Super Cowboy (He is a good cowboy but more along the lines of not a great husband to me) is now married to someone else.  She has two daughters along with two grandchildren.

I am now a veteran at the mercy of the Micheal E. Debakey Veterans Affairs Hospital.  I suffer from a little known disease called Hidradenitis Suppurativa that resulted from drugs forcibly (AKA following a lawful order) administer during my time in the United States Army during Operation Desert Shield/Desert Storm. 

I am still a woman who has serious issues with the War on Women.  I am a member of the Texas War on Women group.

I am member of the Christian Left.  I would rather my tax dollars go to a Welfare Queen instead of a Welfare corporation. 

I love cats, dogs, and horses in general.  I have my favorites.  

I have been many things such as a letter carrier and a cable installer.  I am also a Jill of all trades.  I am now a college student, studying nursing.  

Be patient with me as I develop this new blog.  It will provide useful links to all of these subjects.  It will also include a list of favorite books, movies, and music.